In a healthy relationship, it’s normal to keep aspects of your life private, like your social-media passwords and conversations you have with your own friends.
But if you find yourself keeping secrets from your partner — withholding information or lying about something because it could hurt or upset them — the consequences of getting caught could be greater than sharing the secret in the first place, therapist Amy Morin wrote in her book “13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do.”
In it, Morin dedicates an entire chapter to secret-keeping, including why people do it, and how to change course to improve your relationship.
What does secret-keeping say about your relationship?
Morin wrote that secret-keeping is often a sign of an unhealthy relationship because it suggests partners don’t trust each other, or worry their partner won’t care enough to work through whatever it is they are hiding.
“If you’re in a rocky relationship already, you may be harboring secrets because you know your partner won’t be supportive or it will just lead to more arguments,” Morin wrote in her book.
She said that secrets, which always sow distrust in a relationship, are different from privacy, or keeping benign information private from your partner.
Privacy is normal in relationships because it shows that each partner has their own autonomy, and respects and trusts their partner to have a sense of independence too, Morin wrote. For example, it’s normal to keep private a conversation where a friend confided in you about something unrelated to your partner. Having sole access to your emails and enjoying your free time without constantly alerting your partner of your whereabouts are other forms of privacy.
But if you avoid telling your partner information that could hurt them or make them upset or disappointed with you — like not sharing that your ex recently reached out to you, asking to meet for coffee, or spending over your agreed-upon budget — that could constitute secrecy, according to Morin.
Why do people keep secrets from their partners?
There are three main reasons why people keep secrets from others they care about, including in romantic relationships, according to Morin. They are to protect themselves, their partner, or their relationship, she wrote.
In working with couples, she’s often found that one partner feels driven to keep a sensitive matter to themself because they know their partner will have a big, negative reaction. They don’t want to ruin the relationship, cause their partner pain, or have to come to terms with their wrongdoing, so they stay quiet.
But, no matter the reason, keeping secrets can have the same corrosive effect on a couple’s bond. Understanding exactly why you’re harboring a secret can help you come clean and move forward, Morin said.
How to move past secret-keeping in a relationship in three steps
In her book, Morin shared tips for remedying past instances of secret-keeping between partners, and for avoiding the same pattern in the future.
First, the partner whose secret was found out should reflect on why they kept it, and take responsibility for their behavior, according to Morin. The partner who learned of the secret should consider what they need to move forward and regain trust.
Then, couples should have a conversation about what they want privacy to look like in their relationships moving forward. Unlike secrecy, privacy means keeping certain details, ones that would neither benefit nor hurt your partner, to yourself.
According to Morin, most couples never talk about these fine lines, leading to major arguments when a situation that teeters between privacy and secrecy arises.
Discussing how you and your partner want to handle things — like social-media passwords, personal conversations with your loved ones that don’t involve them, and reaching out to ex-partners — can prevent assumptions and mistrust going forward, wrote Morin.
How to avoid secret-keeping in the future
If you want to put an end to secret-keeping in your dynamic, practice being more aware of your reactions during, difficult conversations, and work to change them, Morin said.
If a partner shares something hard, they should admit it was difficult to put it out there. Then, the other partner should do their best to hear them out without yelling, belittling, or becoming defensive, Morin wrote.
Instead, say “Thank you for being honest with me. I know that must have been hard to share.”
Even if you’re thinking “How could you?!” in your head, tempering your initial reaction shows your partner that you want to understand them and work together, even when it’s hard, according to Morin.
She said that you can ask for time alone to process what they just told you, especially if you’re feeling upset. Then, calmly discuss it later.
